


To Love and Love Some More

by bellimyss



Series: Lacunas [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Explicit Language, F/M, Kissing, Mentioned Clarke Griffin/Finn Collins - Freeform, Mentioned Finn Collins - Freeform, Nudity, Past Finn Collins/Raven Reyes, References to Depression, Sex, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, You Have Been Warned, hella detailed, super detailed sex like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-18 15:33:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8166959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellimyss/pseuds/bellimyss
Summary: Her skin and her hair were incredibly soft. Her resolve was not.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my take on Raven and Bell's 1x11 canon sex but I know nothing about sex so thanks for bearing with me. It's pretty cerebral and internalized but hey. I thought a lot about the course of events and the idea that Raven simply rode the shit out of Bellamy and nothing else happened is pretty boring to me and doesn't seem to support the emotional fallout from that moment. So I tried to be a little more creative (I like it and I've decided it's canon).
> 
> There's a brief mention of Raven's abuse but it's nothing graphic. I make abstract references to depression, suicidal thoughts and dissociation.
> 
> This fic is the first part of an ongoing series called The Lacunas so subscribe to it, if you want to keep tabs.
> 
> Also note that while this fic is very detailed (therefore, long as hell) in my mind Raven was with Bellamy for like 30-35 minutes, tops.
> 
> Enjoy

Litost, _a state of torment created by the sudden sight of one's own misery_ , was the unspoken theme of the hour. It was hard to ignore the strong stench of dread that lingered, copiously and mercilessly, on every particle of air that passed through that godforsaken camp. It flowed like clockwork. They had about ten hours before first light and still, somehow, Raven was worried that she'd sooner die of crippling self-disgust than by the sword of any grounder.  
       Bellamy felt like he couldn't hold a conversation with his sister and it was mostly his fault. It had been ages since he'd spoken to anyone about anything but battle plans or strategy or rationing or why he had to do whatever it was he had chosen to do. He'd sure as hell just told Raven that he "wasn’t that guy". He knew the guy he was referring to. The one he was 95% of the time. The _talking people down_ part. Yeah, he did that to everyone. His sister. The rest of the kids. It was far from enjoyable. He didn't want to be "that guy". And Raven didn't need him to be; so it worked out. He doubted he could do much to help her feel better but he'd definitely try his hardest. He wanted to rest assured that it wouldn't result in anyone being floated or thrown into a 7' x 10', windowless cell; his being affectionate, that is. But he couldn't be sure. He'd given up his natural tendency toward gratuitous generosity a long time ago. Trying to make Octavia smile had gotten her nowhere but on the ground. Which was a shitty place to be. For all of them. The wear and tear from inhumane survivalism was starting to show on Raven's face. Bellamy's work wasn't especially tactile like hers was. But he was starting to gain the muscular, bulky hands of a craftsman, though he'd never been particularly crafty. He just pulled the trigger a lot. He was the only one, of the lot of them, who could actually handle the blowback.  
       Bellamy placed Raven down and the covers on the bed rustled and settled around her frame. He watched her hair spread out asymmetrically over the edge of his messy mattress. He hadn't been expecting anyone on that particular night. Raven's body was lying across his sheets just as he had left them that morning. Now horizontal, the force of attraction pulled them toward the earth and the lines of Raven's cheekbones became more defined and inarguably striking. Bellamy had always known that Raven was beautiful. But it hadn't really mattered. She was also a pain. A rush of cooling relief flooded into Raven's chest cavity as soon as she hit the bed and her lungs sunk evenly into a deep exhale. She had been standing on two feet for several hours, doing nothing but splicing wires and tuning radios and scraping for gun powder. The laws of gravity were kicking her ass. But the way Bellamy held her made her feel supported and that made her want to cry. His shoulders hovered over her like a house. Or just a roof, I guess you could say. A tent within a tent. She found herself giving into his unspoken, but very clear, insistence that he go easy on her. Raven hated thinking about it but she didn't know the feeling of receiving love as well as she would've liked. Finn had done so much for her, she couldn't begin to conceive that maybe it wasn't exactly what she wanted. More recently, she'd become the aggressor every time they had sex. And she didn't know how it happened because it wasn't always that way. Sometimes it just came naturally to her, she had to admit. It was fun. And self satisfying. But in excess, it was confusing. And made her feel undesirable, among other things. Of course, she had initiated all of this by demanding Bellamy take off his clothes. I mean, _way to set yourself up_. But old habits die hard. She felt kind of nervous about it but chose to wait it out; give Bellamy another moment to decide whether he really wanted her or not. She positioned herself squarely underneath him. Bellamy could tell her mind was running a mile a minute. Over the course of a few seconds, her entire body language changed. She breathed softly through her mouth and skimmed over the curves of his neck while he stared at her with sharp examination. Her eyes were a bit red, glazed over with a layer of dewiness, reactive and raw like she had a cold. All the way on, like they were seeing every single thing she'd ever seen. She had an anticipatory anxiety radiating from her with the pull of a full blown planet. There was a longing in her that leaked from the small space between her lips and dripped off of the ends of her eyelashes. It was so rich and dense and weighty, he probably could have collected it in his hand. It made Bellamy feel defenseless, which he usually hated but this was a major exception. Raven's gaze seamlessly turned into a provocative taunt. She was tired of doing the fucking. She just wanted to be fucked. And she wanted to be loved as fully, and as fervently, as she loved. Raven was a lover and a fighter. But a lover first and most helplessly.  
      
The papery walls enclosing them were cloaked in a brown and golden haze; brown like the crumbled, damp earth that they solemnly dug their graves into, gold like the undertones of their skin.      
      
Bellamy sat back, bringing Raven's legs with him. He tucked his fingers under Raven's waistband and pulled her shorts from underneath her, up and off, with both of her knees wrapped up in one of his arms. Raven's legs opened up and Bellamy fell forward, catching himself just millimeters from her lips. He kissed them. Lightly. Once. And then a second time. Bellamy could kiss like a dream. His lips were thick and sweet and his jaw was strong and he would dig deep into her mouth with fluid, directed motion and back out again, grazing his lips over hers. Whenever their tongues brushed, Raven would unconsciously transfer some of her heartache and discomfort over to Bellamy's side. Not that he needed it. She just couldn't stop it from pouring out of her like a geyser. The whole of his mouth pulled on Raven's upper lip and then left her line of sight as it trailed, lightly, from the base of her chin, down her neck until it reached the dead center of her chest. She could feel her heart throbbing in between her legs and Bellamy's warm breath on her sternum. From there, there were so many directions Bellamy could have potentially gone. He'd always liked kissing. Not just lips but everywhere. Shoulders. Cheeks. Bellybuttons. His body relaxed, putting pressure on her breast and Raven felt his pecks contract as he pulled his arms in and touched her face. Every once in a while, Bellamy's belt buckle would awkwardly tickle her vagina so she pulled herself further up, using Bellamy's shoulders as leverage, and wrapped both of her ankles around his lower back, leaving very little room between them. With every kiss, Bellamy leaned forward, dragging his chest across hers. He could feel his lower abdomen gently tug on Raven's labia as she rubbed her pubic bone up and down against him, their tongues intertwined and her hands in his hair. He softly pulled away and looked down at both their pelvises, trying to catch his breath. He wanted to keep himself from getting too excited but _holy shit_ , it was tough. He kissed Raven's shoulder and then her right nipple. His hands were holding the small of her waist and he ran his mouth, with the tip of his tongue, down to her bellybutton. Raven pulled her hands away and watched him venture across her body. Pleasant jolts of lightning shot from his lips and penetrated her skin. She felt her vagina clinch into a tight fist. Bellamy planted kisses all over her inner thigh and Raven couldn't help but wonder who's tent she'd just stumbled into. _She'd never been with anyone but Finn._ Until now. What she didn't understand was why Bellamy found it so easy to indulge her. A girl he hardly knew. There was something familiar about the way he never lost focus on what he was doing, how he seemed to find so much gratification in lauding over her body. Like it was an honor. She wondered if this was what she looked like whenever she threw Finn on his back and rode him 'till she was blue in the face; if this was that odd thing called "intimacy" she'd always heard about. Raven first kissed Finn when she was twelve years old. By the time she was old enough to understand the concept of true intimacy, her and Finn were already experiencing a lull. Entertaining the idea that her relationship with Finn could be referred to as anything less than amazing was unsettling, at best. It wasn't helpful that she'd suddenly noticed how small the tent now felt and how cold her shoulders had gotten. Contrarily, her legs were burning up. Bellamy's lips brushed against the far left side of her pubic bone. His ear was warm against her inner thigh and his hair created a thin pillow to cushion his head. At this point, Raven was completely naked and her torso lie flat, directly toward the tiptop of the tent. She was suddenly struck with a strange claustrophobic sensation. Like the night sky was going to cave in and crush her under its infinite weight. Where they were from, the sky was always night. Daytime didn't exist. Her true home was with the stars. Above the clouds. Not under them. She could feel the dust in the air clipping at her skin and an unanticipated, forceful paranoia rose up in her throat. Before Raven could think twice her arms flew down and she gripped the sides of Bellamy's face, stopping him just before her clitoris. He immediately froze and looked up at Raven, still cradled in the shadow of her pelvis. Raven was focused on the ceiling. She closed her eyes and gulped loudly. Much louder than she meant to. Her heart was racing and Bellamy could feel it vibrating in her stomach. _Ok, Bellamy. Bad move._ Well...good move, but only theoretically. Taking context into consideration, it was already the worst decision he'd made so far. He was getting ahead of himself. Somehow it just all felt so natural. Having her in his bed. Being in between her legs. He was having trouble finding a balance. Either he kept forgetting that this was a delicate situation or he couldn't think about anything else.  
       Raven couldn’t stop thinking that she had to stop thinking. She knew if she let herself think, thoughts of Finn would continue to seep in; thoughts of her mother would surface; thoughts about how the only two people in the entire world who were supposed to love her unconditionally with all their hearts, couldn’t. Or maybe they never really tried. Maybe they just didn’t. Which was worse? _Couldn’t_ or _didn’t_? That was a question that had plagued Raven’s conscience for longer than she could remember. A question that wouldn’t stop twisting its way into her head no matter how frequently she reminded herself that it was very much beside the point. And this was the second time in her life that that question had been posed, as if she were never going to be able to rid herself of that question until everyone she ever loved drove her to answer it. First time she'd ever rejected head. She didn't feel like her most recent self but maybe it was because she was being more honest now than she had been in the past few weeks. Raven had always been good at pretending nothing was wrong but now she didn't have to. If she had left Bellamy to his own devices down there, her upper half would have been left susceptible. To that unpredictable, tightly-packed atmosphere overhead and the sharp, violent air and...listen. The minute Bellamy pulled off his shirt and pulled her in close and his broad chest suctioned itself to hers, she felt a type of safeness she'd only felt a few times in her life. And the way he pressed himself against her, as if he were trying to fuse their bodies. Like he would have carried her around 24/7 if he could have. Bellamy clearly wasn't going anywhere. He was going to see this thing all the way through. To the end. And she didn't want the bloodsucking parasite of insecurity that she shook off at the tent's door to creep back in and fasten itself to her while she wasn't looking. You'd think some proper head would have done her some good in that moment but she couldn't ignore how testy she was feeling. It sort of killed the mood but she appreciated the gesture. _Maybe some other time._  
       Bellamy thought it best to just pull back for a moment and let her decide where he'd go next. Which kind of defeated the purpose of letting go of the reigns. But alas. He let go of the tension in his arms and relaxed himself with Raven's thigh still wrapped around his shoulder. Her hands rested on the nape of his neck. She hadn't taken her eyes off of the ceiling. He kissed her lower stomach just to remind her that she didn't need to feel badly for letting him know what she wanted. And what she didn't. Raven was still trying to dissect his bizarrely caring disposition. It made her want to lie there forever. She then pulled him back up toward her face, into what felt like a hug. Except that her tongue was down his throat. He thought he could finally tell what she wanted and that was to be a close to him as possible. Bellamy had no problem obliging. It felt good knowing exactly where he was needed. He discreetly adjusted himself, entangled in Raven's grasp, and she watched him as he looked down, licked three of his fingers, pushed his arm past her leg and felt his way to her vagina so he could see if she was wet enough. All the while, he held close to her. It was easy for him to kill two birds with one stone since he was so much bigger than she was. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call "tact". Too bad he hadn't practiced it earlier. She looked like she doing was okay. Better than okay but he didn't want to overestimate himself. His fingers wiped against her labia in an upward direction, softly and with caution. His palms were large enough to cover her pubic bone entirely. Raven grabbed his hand and put direct pressure on it. Bellamy let his mouth hover over hers and watched as she let out a soft, breathy moan; the first one that made contact with the night air and hadn't just slithered straight from her mouth into his. Clearly they couldn't be too loud, Raven knew there were delinquents surrounding the tent but she had drowned out the sounds a long time ago. She could feel her body start to heat up again. She lifted her hips and pressed herself against his palm again. Their kisses were getting sloppier and more impassioned and their mouths turned rosy and swollen. Raven reached down and grabbed his belt, undoing it quickly and subsequently unbuttoning his fly. He knew they were going to need more room so he thought to move parallel with the mattress. While she tugged on his pants, he grabbed her around her lower back with one arm and the crown of her head with the other, lifting and spinning her about 45 degrees to the left so her head was now on one of his pillows. They settled again into the mattress and Raven shoved Bellamy's pants down as far as her arms would let her. He kicked off his boots and nudged them down to his knees, his left arm still wrapped around Raven's waist. Her hands glided over the staunch muscles on his back and she licked his neck lightly before kissing his jaw bone. He hurriedly shook his pants the rest of the way off.    
       Bellamy looked down at their pelvises, pushed his penis in slowly, just slow enough for Raven to really feel it and then back out again. He wouldn't let her out of his sight as her eyes slowly closed and opened again, reacting to his every move. Things were starting to get a little bit fuzzy, like a waking dream. Their euphoric breaths flooded the little pocket of a tent they were in. If they had been in a room with glass windows, the fog would've been thick. But they had wild air crammed into their lungs and Raven imagined it was the same air that Finn and Clarke were sharing at that moment. And then she almost choked. Her skull rattled and she became mildly dizzy. She rested her nose on Bellamy's shoulder and then what little she could see out of her periphery went out of focus. She could count all of her most cherished, albeit failed, relationships on only two fingers, the exact amount needed to shape an imaginary pistol to aim at the temple of her head. But instead she ran those two fingers around the curve of Bellamy’s neck and lost them in the thick of his dark hair. Bellamy filled Raven out very well. The rhythm that they managed to get was impressive; titillating. Bellamy propped himself up with his arms around her head and pressed his hips directly into her middle, swirling around, making a half-circle before dragging himself back out and doing it again. Raven's mouth trembled and she ran her hands down the perfect dip in his lower back. Her head pushed back into the pillow and her hair bunched up around her face. The tendons in her neck elongated and her breathing turned sharp and sensual. Bellamy caught himself becoming distracting by her brown skin; it wrapped every inch of her physique in a layer of gilded sand. In this light, her hue matched his hue, to a tee. He pushed some rouge hairs away from her face and placed a relaxed kiss on the corner of her mouth, drawing himself in and out at a steady pace. Unfortunately, with the touch of Bellamy lips, an imprint of Finn's pitiful face infringed upon Raven's serene state of being and fell to the base of her stomach, making her queasy. She flashed backward and replayed their interaction earlier that month, when she told him she loved him in front of everyone and he hesitated before saying it back. _What an asshole._ Did Finn really think she hadn't noticed that? Raven's anger had melted away the second Bellamy laid his hands on her but now she could feel the dormant rage begin to peak inside her. She pictured herself approaching Finn the following morning, poking him mockingly on the shoulder and awaiting his unsuspecting smirk. _Hey Finn. Guess who got fucked last night?_ But... _Finn_ had. Finn had gotten fucked...so that wouldn't have worked. How about this. _Guess who fucks better than you do?_ Eh. Name dropping wasn't really her thing. She recoiled. How incredibly silly. With eminent death awaiting them at the first glimpse of sunlight, her preoccupation with Finn seemed so trite. It was apparent none of this was meant to teach Finn any lessons. The only person she was "sticking it to" was herself and sex with Bellamy was quickly becoming something she _never_ wanted Finn to know about. Why she was picturing anything but Bellamy in that moment was frustrating but she knew better. Raven was a master multi-tasker. It wasn't beyond her to run through methodical exercises while she was being screwed. TO-DO lists. The number of men she liked to imagine where her father when she was little. _Fluid dynamic specs._ You name it. Finn would always remind her of her elusiveness during sex with a sympathetic, but obvious, annoyance in his voice. As if it weren't a fact that Raven's lack of feeling was only mimicking his. In Bellamy's case, it was far from lacking feeling. Which is why she didn't quite understand why her mind wouldn't stop wandering. Raven was trying to shake the dark thoughts that were pushing up against her skull but it was no use. They just popped right back into place and continued their dig. Raven could have watched Bellamy fuck her forever but she was starting to lose sensitivity and what had earlier been enough to make her body transcend into another world, had all of a sudden become ineffective. Bellamy could tell that they had been riding the same wave for a few minutes now so he figured a small position shift was necessary. She felt Bellamy's flawless tempo come to a devastating halt and watched him look down and reconsider his approach. And Raven became completely disheartened.  
       Raven Reyes always felt abandoned. The first time, of many, that her mother left their quarters in the middle of the night and didn't tell Raven where she'd gone or when she'd be back, she felt abandoned. Whenever she would say her goodbyes to Finn after visiting him in the detention center and watched him disappear behind the large steel door, left with nothing but her pendant and the piercing silence, she felt abandoned. And every time Bellamy’s hands gently parted from her waist and he pulled himself away, only inches, to readjust himself, she felt abandoned. Small things like that would wash her over with incredible waves of sadness. Bellamy's hands were what kept her from combusting into tiny, fiery pieces and setting the tent ablaze. They were what she'd probably remember most after all of this. They offered so much security and strength, she could still feel them even when they weren't touching her. Bellamy slid his legs down flat and covered Raven like a quilt. He teased Raven's vulva and then lost himself in her again, this time with a little more air between them. He handled her waist with both hands from both sides and pressed a firm, genuine kiss on her neck. Raven held one wrist, latching her arms over his shoulders while he dragged his tongue across her clavicle. She could see his face from her right side and gazed down at Bellamy's freckled skin, with melancholy in her eyes. She had gotten a close up of those same freckles a few times, most recently that morning. _Oh right...that morning._ That's why she was there. Something made her feel thoroughly ashamed of the fact that it had been so easy for Bellamy to sway her resolve and convince her not to leave camp. He spoke the exact things that she had then told herself weren't true. And it was no sweat for him. Completely effortless. If she were to ask Bellamy, he'd confirm it for her. He hadn't had time to rehearse what to say. She was right in front of him on the brink of the stupidest decision she could have made. There were too many reasons why Raven would want to split from the group. But something told him that it had to do with Finn. So he said exactly what he thought, without any frills. They _did_ need her. She _was_ smart. And he still stood by it. Scouts honor.  
      They just descended deeper into each other, moving in tandem and building up a terrible sweat. Bellamy's stroke had a lot of power behind it but they moved at a slower, more deliberate pace. It stretched Raven wide and she'd writhe underneath him with every broadened hit. She wanted to enjoy it so badly, she really did, but she couldn't. She relinquished all hope once she realized how good Bellamy _would_ have felt if she hadn't felt so deeply dreadful. That moment was a definite deal-breaker. A...duly diminished daydream. Deprecated delusion. Doomed. Damned? She gave up. It didn't matter that she was holding onto Bellamy with all her might. That parasitic leech she'd been hiding from eventually found her and injected that same old feeling of self-doubt she'd forever lived with. There were no gaps or cracks. It had to have made its way in through her now opened pores. Or, it was in the air. She and Bellamy were both breathing so hard and fast, unconsciously inhaling the noxious fumes of unease that filled the entire camp. It was enough to make their lungs collapse. Either way, it completely sucked the fire out of her body. She couldn't feel much anymore, as if her cum had created a numbing barrier between Bellamy and her vagina's walls. Her arousal was completely capped. Like she'd hit a ceiling. Bellamy? He couldn't go anymore. He felt like he'd just run a really important race and suffered the worst loss of his career. There was always a sign that let you know it wasn't going to work. Like a mile marker. Something signaling that levels were getting too high. That too much effort was being exhausted. That the chances of success were rapidly depleting. But Bellamy missed it. Flew right past it. He went limp in Raven's arms and his tired head found solace in her shoulder. There was something apologetic in the way his body rested on top of hers. Like he felt sorry. But it was only momentary. Bellamy promptly raised his head out of the pocket of Raven's neck after becoming what he thought was much too lethargic and complacent. His heart was still beating twice as fast as it normally did and his black hair was much blacker than it normally was; soaked and stuck to his temples. Raven casually wiped away the sweat that had collected on her chest. It was starting to itch. Everything was wet. Their mouths. Their skin. The perimeters around Raven’s eyes. Based off of the immense failure of that endeavor, Bellamy would have pulled out right then but Raven's legs were still gripping his hip bones with intent and he couldn't easily find the room to. He was afraid that if he squirmed out from in between them she might actually think that he wanted to. She looked disappointed but not necessarily in him. And she wasn't even trying to hide the fact that she couldn't look him in the eye. Raven just wanted to believe that this was all very angry. Angry and spiteful and bitter. And not that she was just completely heartbroken. Sure, she was brave. But she was jaded and Bellamy could taste it. Something about her heartbreak reminded him of his own, like a sickening bout of déja vu.     

A subtle, bleak, gust of air settled onto the base of both their bellies, right between those few inches of space, shocking the warm dampness of their skin with a shiver.  
  
**"Roll over.", Raven whispered, soberly averting her eyes.**  
  
Bellamy moved once Raven moved and they peeled themselves apart, their skin unsticking and snapping back into the separate entities they started out as. Bellamy rolled onto his back and then sat up; his legs bent, almost criss-crossed. Raven unthinkingly lugged herself over the edge of the bed and then slipped underneath his heavy covers. Bellamy stopped and subtly cocked his head, looking at Raven with a sympathetic eye. He didn't make it too obvious, he just didn't understand what she was doing. Raven didn't understand, either. Her immediate inclination was to cover herself up and since Bellamy had moved off of her, the blankets were the next closest thing. She had to admit that it really wasn't that chilly. She just had the chills, which was something different. She felt like her body temperature kept swinging between very warm and freezing, like she had the flu. That wasn't the worst part. What was more embarrassing was that she somehow assumed it wasn't over. That they weren't done yet. And that Bellamy had nothing better to do than fuck around with her. Bellamy had a very curious look. She lied there with her eyes closed, arms fully concealed and sheets pulled up, crowded around her neck. He could see that she was trying to stay warm and she was also trying to decide what to do next. He wondered if this was what old, married couples, who'd just had an unsuccessful go, felt like after they decided to call it quits. Right then his misgivings about marriage grew exponentially. If Raven wanted to try something else, Bellamy was 100% down. He didn't want her to leave feeling like they were working with a strict time limit. Maybe doing something different _would_ help. He was mostly hoping that she felt safe in his bed. Which didn't register with him. _When did that happen, Bellamy?_ To Raven's surprise, he simply followed her lead. He didn't want to just sit there naked and she _had_ asked him to roll over.  
       Raven was trying to pinpoint the problem. She thought she'd try her hand at the top for a while, since she wasn't responding to being on the bottom like she'd hoped. She loved having Bellamy on top of her, looking down at her, giving her his full weight and everything else he had. His stroke was unrivaled by anything Finn had ever attempted. But unfortunately, _Finn_ was still on the brain and the thought of him was an incredible turn off. Riding was the thing she knew she could do without spiraling into a panic. Even though it was more familiar and it was where she excelled, in terms of technique, she didn't like how often she found herself there. It was redundant and reeked of something along the lines of "symbolism". But Raven didn’t like leaving things unfinished. And she'd already awkwardly made herself comfortable in Bellamy's bed without any kind of invitation so she needed to act fast before the tension killed them both.  
       Raven opened her eyes and self consciously looked over at Bellamy. The orange glow radiating from the tent's walls bounced off of his tan skin, his back muscles rippled and flexed while he turned himself around. She could tell his nonchalance was intended to make her feel less embarrassed. He gathered up the covers and slipped under them, joining her but keeping a good few inches between them. He hardly had the chance to settle in before Raven quickly leaned over and grabbed hold of his face with one hand, his penis with the other. She slid her tongue around the underside of his upper lip and zealously climbed over him, her legs caught in the bundle of sheets. She already missed his kisses. It had only been a minute, probably less than that. She hadn't known Bellamy for more than a few weeks but she felt like she could trust his kisses, if anything. Raven sucked his top lip into her mouth and inhaled forcefully, drawing him away from the pillow behind his head. Bellamy probably developed a similar facial expression to the one he made when she kissed him the _first_ time. She put all of herself into that kiss and Bellamy could feel it. That also happened to be the last time they'd kiss that night. After hesitantly prying herself from Bellamy's reddened mouth, she sat all the way up and took a few, necessary, deep breaths, which were more meditative than erotic. The blanket fell down along the contour of Raven's back, and crumpled into a soft heap. She spread her legs wide and rubbed the tip of his penis against her clit a few times before nudging it in. She stopped mid-shaft and then proceeded to lower herself, willfully and gradually, down the rest of the way. She kept her eyes closed and pressed her palms into Bellamy's abdomen. Then she stroked up and down, holding herself taut with her athletic arms. He was tempted to run his hands down her back but only hovered his palms over her and eventually just pulled them away. He didn't want to throw a wrench in her operation. It was a beautiful sight to see. Her concentration was fierce and the nuances in her movements, slight and ruinous. She managed to sustain a solid undulating motion but still found the space to simultaneously roll her hips in a circular pattern. Up _and_ down _and_ around. A combination that Bellamy knew was difficult to get right and Raven had it down to a science. It was all about the laws of motion and physicality. He didn't expect anything less from a mechanic. He could see her mouth protruding from the messy curtain of fiery brown hair that hung in her face and flowed over her shoulders. He couldn't stay focused for shit. His body would become electric and he'd have to reel himself back in. Raven wiggled herself down, completely flush with his tummy, and settled the full weight of her hips, dragging from side to side and pulling Bellamy with them. He let out a desperate sigh and half-hearted chuckle and placed both of his hands over his forehead. Raven transitioned seamlessly back into a calculated bounce and watched Bellamy as he watched her move. Raven found that there was something sexy about how his mouth hung slightly open and his Adam's apple dipped down whenever he swallowed. The glow from the electric lamp at the edge of the bed drew a dramatic line of light across his left side that highlighted the dewy layer of sweat he'd worked up. Bellamy was the definition of handsome. Especially when he squeezed his eyes shut, sucked his lips into his mouth and winced as she reached back and ran her fingers over his testicles. Bellamy could feel his face becoming more and more flushed as Raven's hips slammed down onto his. The repetitive friction sent shock waves through her thighs and after a while she couldn't keep from divulging hushed, faltering gasps, mixed in with her labored breathing. She moaned with so much sincerity that it made Bellamy's mouth water. He then grabbed her forcefully around the waist with his right arm and pulled her into him, both of them falling back onto the bed. Her hair spilled over onto Bellamy's face leaving them even more isolated in the dim, intimate niche that was Raven's thick, lengthy mane. He grabbed the back of her neck with his hand and bent his knees, giving himself leverage and Raven support from behind. They steadily rose and fell, Raven wrapped up in a protective cocoon of warm skin and muscle that formed Bellamy's arms. He fluently pushed himself deep into her, she could feel the curves of his strong thighs press into her backside, Bellamy squirmed underneath her and as they moved up and down together, his breathing became more dramatic and rhythmic. He moaned, the bass of his speaking voice just barely breaking through it. She dragged her legs backward and pulled them together, clinching Bellamy's penis tightly. His brow was furrowed and sweaty and he looked like he was in pain, but like...in a good way. A really good way. His dark lashes lined the edges of his eyelids beautifully. Bellamy Blake had honest eyes. And they were just as honest closed as they were open. Raven knew that he was just about ready to cum and she became eerily discouraged. Annoyingly aware of the fact that she wasn't cumming with him. All of the burning that had built up in her pelvis drained out all at once through her esophagus, like a bad case of indigestion. So she pulled in very close and basked for the few last moments in his caring energy and body heat. Bellamy could tell he was on his was out and he scrambled to jam his hand between them and pull himself out but Raven beat him to it. Raven caught a firm grip on his penis and rubbed up and down. Bellamy's cheek was pressed desperately against Raven's collarbone. He involuntarily whimpered from the pit of his stomach, but quickly controlled himself once he remembered where he was. Because let's be honestly here. For about five seconds, he had completely forgotten. Raven emptied out his penis onto his stomach while her lower torso was grinding against his side. Raven noticed that he was a trying not to squeeze her too tight. He shook himself out of the trance he was in and caught his breath. She rode Bellamy for what, to him, seemed like an instant before he orgasmed. It was more like two and a half minutes. Raven kept time.  
       She kept her face close to Bellamy's and pushed her hair out of her face with her hand. Then, she noticed she had lost her sense of space; that she wasn't staring _at_ the shiny, reflective material on Bellamy's pillow, but through it. Hit with a nasty blankness, it felt as though Raven's consciousness was suspended a foot or two behind her. She always had trouble articulating the crushing feeling of panic that came with being repeatedly pigeon-holed.The words were scarce and the sensation was all too abstracted and incoherent but nonetheless it consumed her, and time and time again, she fell vacant, never able to fully taste the sweetness of small victories like the one she just had. As she solemnly slid off of Bellamy, Finn was on her mind. He wasn't just a boyfriend. He was a stand-in for a mother, a best friend, a cousin, literally everything she didn't have. And yesterday she told him that his love was insufficient, which made her nauseous. It looked as though she had made amends with that fact earlier on in the night but she hadn't. And it suddenly struck her that Finn would never know how hurt she was. And it was only because he was entirely disinterested. She felt she was alone. Even as Bellamy lie next to her. The moment was over. It had come and gone. Just like most moments in her life. And somehow she felt like she had overstayed her welcome even though Bellamy would have never considered telling her to leave.

They both lied on their backs in contempt, catching their breath, trying to muddle through what exactly had just happened. It was an experiment that they'd both elected to participate in.

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**Question:**  
    ⁃    Will Bellamy's dick make Raven feel less like an unlovable asshole?  
**Hypothesis:**  
    ⁃    Probably not.  
**Materials:**  
    ⁃    angst, pre-existing sexual attraction, consent, makeshift mattress made of straw, some weird high tech fancy-schmancy contraception, and "tact".  
**Procedure:** _see above_  
**Results:**  
    ⁃    This experiment has left us with an extremely distressed Raven Reyes, although satisfied with her work, unable to rid herself of her feelings of inadequacy, fears of perpetual loneliness, and was left with increased anxiety and panic associated with crumbling perceptions of her recently terminated romantic and sexual relationship with Finn Collins. In spite of several positive moments with Bellamy Blake, they were not sufficient enough to decrease her steadily rising levels of stress. Some comfort was found in Bellamy's presence and she appeared to be grateful but was too alert and hyper aware of her current problems and surroundings to gain anything substantial in the form of emotional aid. Now Finn wasn't the only person she'd ever been with. But the process couldn't completely shatter her dependency on his attention and validation. Her condition ultimately worsened.  
  
    ⁃    In the case of Bellamy Blake, the process yielded some interesting results as Bellamy appears to have developed a quieted, but intensely heartfelt, desire to give Raven copious amounts of his support, emotional and mental, and various types of affection and protection or in layman's terms, he "caught feelings", which was not expected but not entirely surprising because, I mean, it's Raven Reyes. This could be due to what we like to call "congenital precipitous 'soulmate' syndrome" (CPSS) characterized by the intense feeling of an ethereal connection with another being, although not supported by any tangible evidence. A connection appears to have developed mutually between the two specimens but, in large part, _felt_ by Bellamy Blake, leaving him much more emotionally jolted and stuck somewhere between feeling that Raven could be someone he'd see himself loving and defending for the rest of his natural-born life and just "really really wanting to eat her out". He seems, at this time, incapable of fully comprehending this phenomenon and it will take further observation and data collection to get a better look at the future implications of this development.  
**Conclusion:**  
    ⁃    It's highly likely that emotional lows, decreased levels of dopamine and serotonin, made it nearly impossible for Raven to reach orgasm, no matter the external factors. On this front, as predicted, it was completely hopeless. It will take time for her to relinquish her attachment to Finn Collins and it cannot be expected to dissipate over the course of one night. Though more was gained than was lost, with an unexplainable shift in Bellamy Blake's perception of Raven Reyes. It has been noted that the two seem to share many common characteristics and may be able to find lasting support in one another, but it partially depends on unpredictable factors, which means it is not guaranteed. As a result, there may be substantial repercussions due of this experiment that could manifest in future scenarios and it may be worth the continuance of analysis surrounding the growth between these two specimens, in order to obtain a greater understanding of the events that have taken place.

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_Okay_ , Raven thought to herself. _Get up._ She was afraid that if she moved she would somehow die. That if she sat upright, all of her organs would sink into the bottom of her belly and her heart would stop beating. At the time, it made sense. The noise of the chattery delinquents and crackling fires suddenly flooded back into her ears and rung loud and stale, reminding her that there was a life out there she had to get back to. She held the blanket to her chest and pushed herself slowly up and out of Bellamy's bed. He felt the mattress shift and all the weight transfer to his side. He was still trying to fend off his orgasm. His heart pounding and his skin clammy. Raven rushed to her clothes and threw them on. That whole time she had forgotten that earlier on, when she was on her way to Bellamy's tent, she had desperately wanted to cry. As she pulled up and zipped her pants, she suddenly remembered.  
       Bellamy could hear her shuffling around. He weakly propped himself up on his forearms and watched Raven slide into her red hooded jacket. Bellamy knew she was trying to get out of there as fast as she could. He wished he could have climbed out of bed along with her, just to make out like he hadn't lost sight of his more pressing responsibilities but he was a little sticky at the moment. A minor indecency. He caught himself staring at her while she dressed and quickly turned away. _Sure, she was beautiful but what the hell, Bellamy?_ He rolled his eyes at himself and pushed his lips together with confusion, like he does. He wasn't sure how to process any of what just happened. He'd learned to steer clear of sentimentality years ago, and even though he could never really get a hang of that, it may have been worth it now to try. His being distracted was the last thing this group of kids needed if they were going to survive so he thought he'd try to diminish what he was feeling until it wasn't a factor anymore. But it seemed a bit too neurotic to be so nit-picky. Upon finding Raven in his tent, Bellamy had absolutely nothing better to do...in that there was nothing he could have done in that moment that would have seemed more important than her. It was a matter of good timing. And being affectionate with her...it wasn't in conflict with who he was, it was natural to it. He decided he was gonna just leave this one alone.  
       Raven turned and picked up the rest of her things. She could sense Bellamy's inquisitive expression was prompting him to say something. She just wanted to get back to her radios and leave her loathing and embarrassment behind with Bellamy; they were his now. He could keep them.  
  
His eyes followed her to the entryway. He could tell her face was glowing and looked a bit sickly. Bellamy thought to tell her that he completely understood but after some quick hole-poking, he knew saying that would have been banal. And he didn't want to seem patronizing. Still, over the course of his life, he _had_ felt some of the things that she felt. He wanted her to know that it was empathy. Not sympathy. By definition, the difference between those two things was pretty disconcerting. So he worked his curiosity down to its most simple form.  
  
**"Did that help?", Bellamy unthinkingly muttered, surprised at how much he awaited her response.**  
  
Raven came to a halt with the soft impact of his voice. What exactly did he mean by "that"? Did he mean his unrelenting tenderness toward her; his generous offering up of his bed; the way he held her? And the fact that she couldn't accept any of it because she was too ashamed that she'd foolishly believed anything could somehow cure her of her mawkish disease that was Finn Collins? Because if so, not only had it not helped, but it made her feel insurmountably worse than before. At least then she had been the only person who was privy to her unhealthy coping methods and fragile ego. Now Bellamy was in on the joke, too. Raven kept her response a quick, clean "no" and skirted out of the tent with no intention of making Bellamy feel badly but every intention to get back to work and never speak of it again.  
       Her retort seemed sour. Bellamy suddenly felt guilty for even asking a question he could have guessed the answer to. He also could have guessed that Raven was feeling very unloved at that moment, which made him angry and left a bad taste in his mouth. He wasn't sure what Finn was trying (or not trying) to tell Raven about herself but it wasn't true. Raven was a pain. But she wasn't unlovable. Bellamy knew that with absolute certainty.  
  
And Raven wasn't quite aware of it yet but she had just made a friend. A good one.  


**Author's Note:**

> So the definition of litost, a Czech word, doesn't really exist in English but the description above was written by Milan Kundera in their book titled "The Book of Laughter and Forgetting" which I've never read but I thought it was juust emo enough to describe what Raven was feeling this night. She wasn't just bummed out, she was hyper-aware of how awful she felt. So that's why I used it.
> 
> I also headcanon that Bellamy in his younger years was the type of person who was just super generous, like he loved sharing things and doing things that made people happy, just for the sake of it. That was his way of showing love. But that shifted completely once he lost his family because of one mistake that sprung from his generosity and he steers clear of gestures like that now. I don't know whether I got that across but it's something I'll probably bring up again in future fics so I wanted to explain.
> 
> Also let me know if the font is too small, I don't want it to be difficult to read. 
> 
> thanks guys, let me know how you liked it (it's not so lowkey my first fic)


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